Nothing’s better than being in Paris and being in love. Especially if you are in love with not one but two people. And if one of those lovers is Thomas Jefferson. And if you are totally down with historical threesomes than man buddy is this post for you. 

Adams was called back from the Netherlands to Paris to help negotiate the peace treaty with the British alongside Benny Franks and John Jay. After a lot of back and forth that I know was important but i was totally bored by, they got that shit signed and generally everyone was happy. Adams was asked to stay to negotiate a commercial treaty with Britian because we needed their money like whoa. Abigail was pretty pissed about this because he had been gone for around 6 years or so and who can deal with not getting laid for 6 years? John was begging her to come over to him, but my girl for all her awesomeness was terrified of the ocean. It wasnt until adams got so sick he nearly died that she agreed to come to London with their daughter Nabby. Which frankly is the worst nickname ever, but she was kind of a fox, no?

Abigail dragged Nabby along because she was being wooed by this douche bro dude in Boston and it was starting to get serious. What better way to kill a young romance than to go to Europe. It’s the old junior year study abroad, “We’re just in two different places” trick. I imagine its especially effective when you’ve never even been out of your own state. The four adamses (john, JQA, Abigail and Nabby) met up in London and then traveled to a country house they would live in outside of Paris. And who should they hook up with in Paris than the one the only Thomas Jefferson, father of the declaration of independence and possibly some mulatto kids. This is where the threesomes start. 

Jefferson had been called to Paris to replace John Jay and possibly Benny Franks since he was getting old and the French had as much of a boner for TJ as they did for BJs. And the boner feeling was mutual. But not as mutual as the Adams couple. They loved hanging out and having dinner with TJ and talking about books with TJ and writing TJ and worrying about TJ’s health which was not great. Abigail told TJ that he was “one of the choices ones of the earth,” which I think in olden times means, “yeah my husbands totally cool with this.” And honestly Adams totally was. After all the backstabbing and bullshittery of Franklin and the other dudes, being able to work with a friend was practically paradise. He and TJ and Franklin were working hard on creating commercial treaties with the countries of Europe, JQA was working hard on becoming the most well educated young american possible, and Abigail and Nabby were working hard on LIVING IT UP. It sounds awesome. 

But all good things come to an end, and that happened when Adams was asked to be the sole ambassador to Britain and Jefferson to be the sole ambassador to France. The whole family was super sad to leave France for dreary Lon-don Eng-a-land and even more sad to leave their broseph TJ. However, Adams was pretty pumped because he was officially the first ambassador to Britain from the country that clawed its way out of the British colonial womb.

In London the ladies were pretty bored because hello wouldnt you be too if you had just been dicking around marie antoinette’s versailles and had to go to Crazy King George’s court? talk about a royal downgrade. Every time the King met Abigail or Nabby at a royal reception he would just ask them “have you been for a walk lately?” I’m serious. they wrote it in their diaries. But all was not lost because Passy was falling in love with the handsome Colonel William Smith who was her dad’s secretary. Wham Bam thank you ma’am they got married in london. and wham was there.

not really. George Micheal ages. i think.

but here is the best thing about the JA/TJ bromance abroad. THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING. they went on a little vacation together. and what did they do on their boys week away?  party hard? do coke off strippers? nope. they went on a

GARDEN TOUR.

Adams and Jefferson took time off from being ambassadors to the major nations of the world to travel together in a single carriage and traipse around the English countryside looking at gardens. Neither of them wrote much during their adorable adventure which is nuts because you practically had to cut off TJ’s hand to make him stop fucking writing. So you know what they were probably doing….

Looking at topiaries. I shit you not this was a real thing that happened. and i’m going to leave you with this wonderful idea of our forefathers skipping through meadows and picking each other bouquets. BROMANCE CEMENTED. (you’re welcome Adams and Jefferson shippers) (also, who are you and why would you be an Adams/Jefferson shipper?) (TJ and Alex Hamilton all the way)

John Adams went on the most epic Eurotrip ever and all he got was this stupid tshirt. and the vice presidency. After spearheading our drive to independence he became one of our foremost diplomats in Europe for 10 years. He bounced around between France, the Netherlands and England, negotiating treaties and commerce agreements and basically ensuring that we were gonna make it after all. Just like Mary Tyler Moore.

Here’s the sitch: we needed help. and we needed it from the french. so congress sends over Benny Franks, Arthur Lee, and this dude named Silas Deane to negotiate a french alliance. Well Silas Deane gets recalled due to “questionable conduct” which what do you expect with such a douche bag name, and Adams gets asked to take his place. It was a super important job and obviously they wanted the best of the best to go over and try and get our asses saved, but my dude didnt speak a lick of french and had never been out of the country. But Adams was like, “hell yeah i’ll go and also let me take my young son because i want to make my son a baller and create the first american political dynasty.” They endure this horrific crossing of the atlantic where even the sailors on the ship were like, “we’re gonna die” and they finally get to a French port and learn that the treaty has already been negotiated. talk about womp womp. But Adams doesnt turn around, he heads to paris with little JQA and they meet up with Benny and Arthur who have not been getting along. Initially the two guys are sure that Adams will help not only with the French negotiations but also with the internal issues of the American commission. It does not work out because Benny Franks turns out to be TOTALLY DEVIOUS. He writes backstabbing letters to Congress saying that the French hate Adams and because everyone trusts a guy who electrocutes himself Congress recalls Adams and Lee and makes Franklin the sole US representative in France. And Adams says to Franklin, “thanks for making me waste a year and a half of my life in paris. we are never ever ever getting back together.”

Like ever.

You would think that Adams would have had enough of this bullshit and would just want to stay at home in Braintree and bang Abigail. And you would be right. Except what Adams wants to do and what he feels obligated to do are two very different things. Adams is home for a few months, during which he writes the ENTIRE CONSTITUTION FOR THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS BY HIMSELF when congress decides he has to go back out to Paris and hang around the court just in case Great Britain wants to sign a treaty. yeah definitely  sign me up to just hang around a place i was humiliated at to maybe make a deal with guys i hate while my wife might be possibly having an emotional affair with this dude who is at least in the same country. SIGN ME UP. If there’s anything that you should know about Adams its that he honestly put the country’s needs first, so he and JQA and his other young son Charles get in a ship and head back to Paris. But on the way their ship crashes off the coast of Spain and they have to travel overland through the pyrenees to even get to france. Like a fucking epic  life or death quest situation but its dumpy Adams and his two young sons. It surprising that their story doesnt just end in the mountains in January with a donner party situation. side note, whenever you see a doner kebab do you think about the donner party? should i not be sharing this kind of thinking on the internet? I mean look at it.

Obviously they make it with all limbs attached and Adams gets to France and is basically  T.Swifting Ben Franklin like she did with Harry Styles at the Brit Awards. “i’m gonna sing this song about you, but I am NOT going to look at you and I will pretend to be cordial about you to the press.” Even worse though Franklin turned against him again and made the French foreign minister Vergennes, a John Mayer kind of douche, refuse to deal with Adams at all. So he’s over there again and is able to do absolutely nothing. Naturally Adams does what an self-respecting Euro-traveler does, packs his bags and his boys and goes to Amsterdam. 

Before the Dutch legalized it,  you should know that they made it rain all day son. “I love gollldddd” was not a kitschy catchphrase but the way the dutch actually greeted each other (not true) ((could be true)). Wars are very expensive deals especially when you have no way of creating revenue because congress doesnt want to tax people. Adams took it upon himself to go to the Netherlands and see if he could negotiate a loan with those gold loving, pilgrim hat wearing, canal swimming, bicycle riding, long haired protestants. It took some time, but he did it. all by himself. like a big boy. he aimed for the bowl, goal, and made it. 

by this time adams had been dicking around europe for a couple of years. in that time he helped negotiate treaties and loans and generally helped america not look like a little rascally nation that was all “girls, yuck,” but like a nation that would sing ‘L-O-V-E” with you at a talent show and maybe wear a tiny white tux. He was almost at a loss as to what to do next when the war ended and he was called back to Paris to finally negotiate the treaty he was sent over to take care of 2 years back. Except this time he would be joined by two very special guests who were totally ready to PARTAY ….

(John): All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend

(Abigail): Down to ride til the very end, it’s me and my boyfriend

Do you know an adorable, made for each other couple of soulmates who finished each others sentences and shared an intense passion for spittin rhymes?

Hint: they did not build an arena in Brooklyn.

John and Abigail Adams are the ultimate success story of presidential marriage. I would even say that this is a factor of John’s life that ultimately outweighed Washington in awesomeness. Quelle Surpise!

As I mentioned before John was into the wrong girls for awhile, and when he first met Abigail Smith in the summer of 1759 he was unimpressed. Probably because she was 15 when he first met her and 15 year olds are notably the worst age ever. (not a girl, not yet a woman…) He wrote in his diary that she and her sisters were neither “fond, nor frank, nor candid.” Boy Howdy was he going to eat those words.

Abigail was the middle of daughter of the Reverend William Smith of Weymouth. The Reverend Smith wasnt rolling in dough like Scrooge McDuck, but The Smiths were definitely in a higher social class than the Adams. Little baby Abigail was very ill as a child and so was educated at home. She was super into reading and could quote whole poems and passages of Shakespeare from memory. But don’t worry, she wasnt one of those insufferable know it alls…

She was always very cheerful and lively and it seemed that generally people really liked her, Adams intial impression notwithstanding.  Anywho, Adams kept coming to visit the Smith family because his buddy Richard Cranch was trying to get it in with Abigail’s older sister Mary, and as he spent more time there he came to his senses. And by “more time” I mean, five years. FIVE WHOLE YEARS of courting this girl. His other lawyer buddy had cautioned him to not get married until he was settled into his practice, and Adams took that to heart. But jesus five years is a little extensive if you know that you’re each other’s soulmates and the likelihood of you dying of smallpox is about a 1:2 chance. I mean good for them for waiting but I imagine Abigail probably bugged out alot and cried to her sister when he didnt text her immediately back that maybe there was another woman and no one would ever love her and where is that pint of ye old ben and jerrys?

The upside to them not getting married immediately is that we have a bunch of letters that they wrote each other and they are adorable. He calls her his “Diana”, the roman goddess of the moon, and she calls him “Lysander”, the Spartan hero. Righteous. He once wrote that “my soul and body have both been thrown into disorder by your absence, and a month or two more would make me the most insufferable cynic in the world.” She would start almost every letter “My Dearest Friend” and hold on a second I’m going to go throw up from cuteness.

Right so five whole years later they get married. Her parents were a little hesitant about the match because Adams wasnt really up to the social level they were, but clearly they let it happen any way because true love knows no bounds and fuck da police. or parents. She moved in with him at the family homestead in Braintree and for all her bookish upbringing she knew how to get her hands dirty. (take that statement as you will) She did literally everything, from her own sewing to butter-churning to baking; every day she rose at 5 am and just banged shit out.

Even more amazing is that she got along really well with her mother-in-law, since Adams’ mother was still living in the old house in Braintree across the road. They saw a lot of each other and Abigail actually wrote more about his mother than John ever did. Rude john! It probably helped that within just about 9 months of marriage they had a grandchild they could take over to john’s mother to distract her with. Baby Abigail, or Nabby arrived on July 14th, 1765 and according to her mother was the spitting image of her father. Unfortunate girl. Their son John Quincy was born two years later, and Adams started worrying about paying for college and clothes and all those other things you have to worry about as a parent. But through and through Abigail and John really fucking loved each other. She was his ballast in the storm of revolution and he was “the tenderest of husbands” and I am going to go watch Titanic and cry for hours.

Don’t think you’ve heard the last of Abigail! She’ll be back to kick some Tory ass. I promise.

And by “you” I mean a twenty something American. If you are not American, good for you for reading this blog, how’s wherever you are? If you are older than 29, good for you for staying hip and having a tumblr, how’s being old?

But if you are in fact a human being born in the mid 80s to early 90s in our great nation of E Pluribus Unum, than boy howdy will you be surprised at how much you have in common with John Adams.

1. He was Over-Educated

I know, I know, you can never “know” too much, but damn if it’s mighty hard to reconcile 4 years spent in an ivory tower to the harsh reality of post-college. Adams had it even worse because his ivory tower was freaking Harvard, and he went there when he was 16.He’s practically begging to be ill-equipped for reality.

The Harvard of Adams’ time was not the Goldman Sachs Trader making machine that it is now. He was class of 1755, and there where 27 people in his class. His entire college class. My smallest class had 27 people in it, and that was a seminar on Toni Morrison. Coupled with the super strict schedule that started with morning prayers at 6 am and ended with evening prayers at 5, its a wonder that all of their cycles didn’t sync. The food apparently sucked, you had to bring your own knife and fork, and technically no drinking was allowed. Though, oddly enough, they were allowed as much hard cider as they could drink. Adams like the cider so much that for the rest of his life he always had a glass of cider before breakfast. Told you he was like you!

Anyway, Adams totally loved college. He graduated 3rd in his class and during the commencement ceremonies argued  that “Civil Government was Necessary for Men.” And you thought your commencement ceremony was long.

2. He Didn’t Know What He Wanted To Do When He Grew Up

Adams dad wanted him to be a minister, but Adams really enjoyed debating and thought he should be a lawyer, but then he met a friend who was a doctor and he thought maybe he should be a doctor but then his mom was like, honey did you think about psychiatry, but all he really really wanted to do was to be a marine biologist.

The first 3 things were true. Adams was torn between what his dad wanted him to do, and being a lawyer. And as is wont to happen, the blur of indecision leaves space for even more ideas and so for awhile he thought about being a doctor. The thing was, in order to do pretty much any of this, he needed money. So he took a job as a schoolmaster in Worchester, MA for which he was totally untrained and unprepared.

Adams hated teaching, he enjoyed observing the kids (not in a creepy way, ew, stop) but the actual goal of teaching was not to his liking. He pushed through it enough to make some cash and hammer out what he wanted, which was in fact to be a lawyer. Cue reason #3 he’s like you…

3. He Interned

In order to be a lawyer during that time, you needed to study under another lawyer for 2 years. And you didn’t get paid to do that. YOU PAID. So it was kind of the worst internship ever because it was long as hell and you really didn’t make any money. Adams did this lawyer internship with a dude named James Putnam. Did I mention that he was still teaching while he was doing this? Yep. He would teach the little monsters in the day and hang out with Putnam at night and get lawyered up. Hustlas gotta hustle!

4. He Was Super Self-Aware/Involved/Pitying

We know this because he kept a journal. It looked like this

No but really Adams had a gift for self reflection that is astounding. He was obsessed with chronicling his faults and limitations, and making grand statements about how he would be better. He charted every time he was depressed or anxious and frequently bemoaned how much his life sucked.  Direct Quote!

“I have no books, no time, no friends. I must therefore be contented to live and die an ignorant, obscure fellow.”

Dramatic Irony, right?! Oh young John, it gets better!

5. He Chased the Wrong Girls

Good for you if you’ve immediately found “the one” and are married and yadayadayda whoop de frickin do. Most of us have to hit some real duds to get even close. John was no exception to this. After he finished his two years with Putnam he moved back home. Shit.

6. He Moved Back in With His Parents After College

Right so just like you. Anyway, once he was back home he started hanging out at Josiah Quincy’s partyhouse in the middle of town. Quincy was the wealthiest man in all of Braintree, and he had a smokin daughter Hannah and her equally smokin cousin Esther. Apparently Hannah was a total tease, but Adams was totally into that kind of thing because we only really like what’s bad for us right? So he’s hanging around and really feelin this girl and one day is literally getting ready to propose when his buddy Johnathan Sewell bursts into the room with Esther to announce their engagement. SAVED!

I think this entire post is easily summed up in this photo:

Happy Birthday America! Thanks for the healthcare! Now, to celebrate go see Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

It’s the best American film since…Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I’m serious. It’s incredible. Mary Todd Lincoln and Harriet Tubman lead the Underground Railroad to deliver loads of SILVER to the union troops at Gettysburg. That’s history for you!

Also, you should go just to view the splendor of Dominic Cooper’s hair. It’s almost as delightful as watching Abe split a vampire with an axe. almost.

How’s that for alliteration? It’s also appropriately cute because young John had one of the most precious childhoods ever. Like Norman Rockwell painted his childhood and it was in the Saturday Evening Post and now you have an ironic Americana calendar with his youthful face on it.

I mean, his life was awesome if being raised by pilgrims is your thing. John Adams was the fourth generation of the Adams line to live in Braintree (I will seriously never get over the name of this place). The first Adams to come to ‘Merica! was a Henry Adams who along with his wife and 9 children came during the great Puritan migration. I.E. that one true thing you remember about Thanksgiving. Because the King and general population of England was drinking the Puritan haterade and trying to get those wackadoos as far as possible from Big Ben. Off they went in their big black hats to build a city of God. Which for all intensive purposes was basically just Boston.

Now, being from Puritan stock is important in building our understanding of our little buddy J.A. These guys may have had long hair, but they weren’t pussies about getting work done. In fact, they were constantly working. It’s not easy to farm in Massachusetts, it’s rocky and the weather blows and most of these guys weren’t farmers to begin with. But they had to do it in order to survive, and in the winter months they would do their other jobs, like being a blacksmith or brewing beer. There was no “chill time” for the Massachusetts Bay Colonists, unless you literally meant “chill” time in which case the months of October through April were it. And they did it alone, without anyone to hold their hand. Being from this community meant that J.A. valued Industry, Virtue, and Independence above all else. J.A. once wrote his wife Abigail to “Let frugality and industry be our virtues,” and in regards to his children to “fire them up with ambition to be useful.” Definitely not a millennial.

John’s parents were Deacon John Adams and Susanna Boylston, and they got married when she was 25 and he was 43. gross. Deacon John was just that, a deacon. He was also a farmer and a cobbler. Susanna came from a family with a higher social standing but it’s been posited that my girl couldn’t read. As a side note, “Deacon John” sounds like the name of a gang member. Like Michael K Williams is playing Deacon John in some tv series soon where he’s the awesomely violent but super likeable supporting character.

J.A. didn’t have much to say about his mom, except that he loved her. (aww) But he did look up to his Dad more than anyone else. Deacon John was his idol and inspiration. Double aww.

Ok we really need to talk about Braintree. Because right now whenever I think about it, it’s basically just a locale for the Walking Dead.

But it wasnt like that at all! Braintree is situated on the post road that follows Massachusetts Bay between Plymouth and Boston, so you could see the sea from parts of it and other parts were wooded and it was just so fucking idyllic it would make you vomit. It wasn’t a big village, during Adams’ time it numbered about 2,000 people, meaning everyone was kind of always up in everyone’s shit. The actual house where Adams grew up was a “New England saltbox” which is exactly how it sounds. A big f-in box with some windows. It had been built in 1681, had 2 floors and exactly 5 rooms. It would not be on MTV cribs. The industrious Adams family (insert Lurch or Uncle fester joke here) liked to maintain that frugality in all aspects of life. One member of the Adams Family (was it Wednesday or Pugsley?) said that “A hat would descend from father to son, and for fifty years make its regular appearance at meeting.” Anna Wintour would not be impressed.

Exposition established! In these quaint surroundings John’s first 15 years of life “went off like a fairytale,” (his words). His dad noticed from the get-go that young John was extremely smart and deemed that he would go to Harvard come hell or high water. Sounds like some parents of the asian kids I went to high school with. John was taught to read at home, and then sent to a “dame school.” To become a lady. Bet you didnt know our second president was a transexual! Just kidding, a “dame school” was when a bunch of kids would learn in the kitchen of a neighbor out of a primer. Not quite as fun as RuPaul telling John that he bettah werk.

When John was done with Ru, he went to an actual school and all of a sudden started totally sucking at learning. His dad was all, “son, whats the problem here?” and john was like ” i hate my teacher he’s the worst” and so his dad immediately switched schools. And that teacher will forever be kicking himself for being that one teacher that John Adams hated. At the age of 15 John as pronounced FIT FOR COLLEGE and so he readied himself to go take an examination in front of the presidents and masters at Harvard. His dad and his cool schoolmaster were supposed to go with him, but they both backed out at the last minute and so John had to ride to Cambridge by himself and take the MOST IMPORTANT TEST OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE. Talk about scarier than the SATs. Naturally, he did great and was granted a partial scholarship. To pay for the rest Deacon John sold 10 acres of land, which was tantamount to selling an organ for a member of the Adams clan. Damn did these guys put a value on education.

The internet ate my initial post about John. Is it a sign? Should I stop now while the gettins good? No way, I say! I want a history channel show and the only way that is going to happen is if I get through at least like 4 presidents. So here it is, apologies if you’ve read this before the internet took it back into its cyber lair.

Let us start our journey into the lives of the most Paul Giamatti of Presidents (yes I did just use Paul Giamatti as an adjective, but given the breadth of his work it only seems appropriate)

Lemme drop some basic knowledge on ya:

Born: October 30, 1735 in Braintree, Massachuesetts. Home of the Zombies.

Brain-eaten (Died): July 4, 1826 in Quincy, Massachusetts. Quincy is actually Braintree, it became incorporated during Adams lifetime. Also! Note that death date! He and Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. So there is a God and damn does he like to freak out conspiracy theorists.

Presidential Term of Office: March 4, 1797- March 4, 1801. Just one term!

Political Party: Federalists. Wah wah. No one likes a Federalist

Family: Parents-John Adams Sr. and Susanna Boylston. Bros-Peter Boylston and, wait for it, Elihu. E-L-I-H-U. What? I mean, WHAT? This kid clearly did nothing because he got  screwed in the name department. I mean it sounds like a name from the Never Ending Story.

Education: Harvard. When he was 16. Overachiever.

Pre-Presidential Occupation: Lawyer, US Minister to the Netherlands and Great Britain, and first vice president. He coined the phrase, If the glove don’t fit you must acquit.

Wifey: Abigail Smith- his 3rd cousin. Gross.

Children: Nabby (you read that right), John Quincy, Susanna, Charles, Thomas, and little stillborn demon baby Elizabeth.

Fun-Fact: I always think stillborn babies are probably going to come to life in the grave and murder their parents.

Fun-Fact about Adams: He was not murdered by his demon stillborn baby

Drink of Choice: Madeira. Again. I feel like I should find this stuff and drink it just to feel the same drunk buzz that George and John felt. Also, I was kind of expecting Adams to be a teetotaler since he was basically a pilgrim. Good for him! This is America! His famous cousin is the original brewer of some still delicious brews. Imagine what it would be like if little baby John’s face was the one on the bottles of awesome seasonal beers

I have dreaded writing this post since I started this blog. I hate hate hate to admit that Washington was not cryogenically frozen so that one day he may return and save us all. (I may be getting my Disney and Jesus myths messed up..oh well) But alas, alack, my main man did kick it. But not before he did some stuff! that mattered! and as we all wish, he was bad-ass to the bitter end!

For Washington to physically move out of the Presidency he had to take care of some serious baggage. I mean this very literally. During his 8 years of presidency, most of the furniture that Congress purchased for his Presidential residence had been worn to bits. Washington did the very noble thing of purchasing his own damn furniture to make up for the shitty ones that Congress gave him. But when the time came to move, that little jackass John Adams wouldn’t buy the furniture from Washington because it was “too fancy.” Oh really? “Too fancy” for the damn PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? I sincerely hope that my time with Adams changes my opinion of him, because at this point in time I just think he’s a whining little bitch.

Washington was all like, “ok dude, you don’t have to buy it, but i’m going to leave it here for now.” and under his breath was all, “and then you better break something so you have to buy it. ” (just kidding, Washington never said anything under his breath.) Actually, this is what Washington said about leaving,

  “On one side, I am called upon to remember the parrot; on the other, to remember the dog. For my own part, I should not pine if they were both forgot.”

So here’s something you didn’t know! Washington hated animals! (again, not true) But I doubt PETA would have asked Washington to pose sexily in the nude to prevent fur-trapping.

If Washington thought that things were messed up in the Capitol, he was no where near ready for the shit storm that was Mount Vernon. During his time in office he left the handling of everything to an old Scottish dude named James Anderson. Now, Anderson had some good ideas. Namely, making whiskey! But he also totally sucked at his main job, which was to keep the farms running and the house from falling apart. When Washington got home, the floor in his banquet hall was actually caving in, and his fields didn’t grow enough of anything to make money. George was totally pissed, but being the gentleman that he was, allowed Anderson to stay on at the same wage, but with less responsibilities. Washington himself took over trying to get things back to how they should be. He never really got Mount Vernon back to fighting shape. I mean let’s face it, he may have been great, but he was no Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby.

Thankfully, George was able to live very well off of all the land purchases he had made out west in his youth. In fact, my dude made some serious bank by selling tracts of land in western Pennsylvania to speculators. And also because he refused to do anything on credit, unlike some of his contemporaires. Some of these guys(i’m looking at you, Robert Morris) borrowed money on assets that had themselves been bought through loans. Sounds familiar right? cough real estate market 2007 cough cough.  But Washington was having none of that. He did everything the way men do it, in cash.

Oh so you think Washington just farmed and chilled for the remainder of his years? False. Because Adams got himself into a right little problem most call the XYZ affair. I’m sure I’ll discuss this in depthwith Adams, so all you really need to know is that the French totally pissed off America by ignoring our official delegation to them and then asking for a bribe! WhA???? we do not bribe people here in America! we beat the shit out of them until they do what we want! which is what Adams started to prepare the country to do. He and Congress set out an order that the military be augmentedby 10,000 men, and then, wait for it, he asked Washington to resume his position as commander in chief. At 67. And you know Washington did? He manned up. He accepted his position and was prepared to go to war again.  Except we didn’t go to war with France. Thankfully things blew over. Instead they got totally screwed by their own leaders and we ended up buying Louisiana from them! Nice guys finish first.

This was not the only time in his retirement that Washington was asked to come back into the public spotlight. Nope, when it came time for the next presidential election, some Federalist bros wrote Washington to pretty please run for the presidency again, since I guess Adams pissed everyone off enough that he probably wasn’t going to be re-elected. Washington thankfully declined, because he thought he would most definitely kick it during those four years in office. and in fact, he did.

Washington was out for a his usual ride around his grounds on December 12, 1799. It started to rain and snow while he was out. And then, he set another presidential precedent. He died from what was basically a cold. When Washington came back from his ride, his secratary Lear, was all, “hey dude you look pretty wet.” and washington was all, “no i’m fine bro. tis but a flesh wound. “

But he slowly got worse through the night and into the next day. Of course he didn’t make much of a big deal about it. He just slowly lost his ability to talk easily and started convulsing! All the while saying things like, “I don’t need medicine.” Manly. Martha, being the woman that she was asked that the overseer who took care of the slaves medical needs come take care of Washington while a proper doctor was sent for. Now this poor overseer guy was scared shitless to draw blood from George. Understandably so, how would you feel if you were to kill a national treasure? But George said, “Don’t be afraid,” and bared his arm himself. When the dude made the cut George had told him, “the orifice is not large enough.” and that’s what she said. high five!

No, eventuallly 3 doctors came to take care of George. (kind of excessive right?) and they bled him a total of 4 times. As what one would expect when dealing with 3 doctors there was a difference of opinions about what his problem was, and even more confusion about how to treat him. So they bled him again! Which basically killed him for sure. (btw modern doctors think Washington died specifically from either diptheria or strep. too bad they didn’t have amoxoclyn back then!). Washington’s room was filled with people, including Martha, Lear, house slaves, and the doctors. He kept asking what time it was and thanking everyone. He kept telling Lear to take care of little things that he was remembering. He said, I kid you not, “I die hard, but I am not afraid to go.” and that is going to be my motto for everything ever from here on out. Washington died in the early hours of December 14th. Martha asked quietly, “is he gone?” and all Lear could do was hold up his hand in a silent assent. How heartbreaking.

you know what was pretty cool about Washington dying though? He wrote in his will that once he kicked it, his slaves would be freed. Well actually, he wrote that his slaves would be freed once Martha died, since he didn’t want to split up the slave familiesof his household. And that would have happened because half of the slaves on Mount Vernon were technically Martha’s. Washington had developed a severe aversion to slavery, and had struggled for years withhow to handle it. He never ever sold a slave or moved them without their consent, and almost never allowed them to be physically punished. In fact, a lot of literature says that Mount Vernon went to shit because the slaves could get away with anything they wanted. which is pretty cool. except for the whole still-being-slaves part. Washington even secretly set some of his slaves free while he was president by accidentally “leaving” them in Pennsylvania when a law was passed that abolished slavery in that state. He wanted the slaves he freed to be able to find work for themselves and learn skills, and he made sure that any one who was too old or too young to take care of themselves would be taken care of. what a nice guy.

He also left his secretary Lear the use of Mount Vernon. Imagine! leaving your estate to your secretary. It’d be like Don leaving the house to Joan.

On a semi-serious note, if you get a chance you should read this article. I didn’t know anything about the political climate in Dallas pre-JFK kill time, but it’s startlingly similar to right now. Some food for thought before you put some thanksgiving food in your belly.

back and to the left. back and to the left.